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Night Angel Kage
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Night Angel Kage

Male Posts : 5
Join date : 2010-11-12

PostSubject: The Children   Sat Nov 13, 2010 12:29 pm

Please just give me an honest opinion on the quality of this. It is short but this is just the prologue or intro. Please do not tell me about the grammar and such I know some of it is terrible and I'll go over that later. Without further ado.


It was cold out and the boy was walking barefoot on the concrete side walk, they only light and warmth on the street was the street lamp on the end of Bellevue Ave. The young boy was hurrying along the sidewalk, past the street light and across the street. As the boy walked he was only aware of the fact that he was very hungry and the fact that the young girl was still alone at the house. Dead leaves crunched under his young feet. He finally made it to the end of Bellevue were the house was. The house was old and beat up. You couldn’t tell what color the house was unless you wanted to say brown because of all the dirt covering it. The roof had holes in it, and the door was hanging off it’s hinges, the house wasn’t very big it was barley medium sized. The young boy walked up the muddy walk way and through the wide gap that was supposed to be the entrance. There she was the young girl dressed in nothing but a ripped white nightgown that was too big for her. He went to her wrapped his filthy arms around her and cried. No one would take these kids in even though everyone in this part of town new them and what they went through. They helped, occasionally gave them food and clothes sometimes baths. That was it though besides leaving them this little beat up house. No one would stay with them long because they were known to have these creepy abilities. So these small children were stuck on the streets afraid to go for help in case the police separated them or sent them some were to have tests run on them once they found out that they weren’t normal kids. The boy wouldn’t let that happen no he would protect the young girl and himself. He would take care of them both. He fell asleep with those thoughts in his mind.

The young boy awoke to screaming, the young girl was thrashing about apparently trying to get a way from some invisible force. He grabbed her and tried to keep her still but she kicked him hard in the face and he doubled over. A dark shape manifested before him. It was man shaped but pure black. Almost like a shadow made real. It grabbed on to the young girl and disappeared the young girl went with him, They Young boy screamed and clawed at the air he kicked and punched nothingness. Until finally he passed out from exhausting himself, he had one thought on his mind before he passed out, Melanie I will find you and I will save you.

Chapter one:Okay chapter one here we go.keep a few things in mind my chapters will always be short and they will probably need work which I realize and will try and do my best to edit it an make it better. Remember I only wish to hear about the quality of the story. Nothing about Grammar and punctuation and such. So here ya go.

Neo looked at him self in the mirror, he was getting ready for another job apparently some vampire was on the loose in Sebastopol and he needed to take it out. He was wearing a dark leather jacket with two white stripes down the arms, the jacket was also a hoodie so he could if he wanted bring the white hood over his messy dirty blond hair. The hood and the jacket as a whole did more then just hide his hair though. It hid his elfish features his pointed ears angular but noble looking face. The jacket also made him look mysterious and that was a good thing in this business.
He was also wearing blue jeans and black sneakers. He was tall and broad shouldered if he wanted he probably could have been a linebacker for the forty niner’s. He put on his jacket sliding his arms through the cool leather, he reached up and pulled the hood over his head and then walked out the bathroom. He was in the mall and when he left the bathroom he was hit with a wave of voices and the sound of movement, he joined the moving crowd and preceded toward the nearest exit that was at the other end of the mall and next to Macey’s A clothing store.
After walking out the automatic doors he made his way to the end of the mall parking lot and on the left at the very end stood a black nineteen seventy dodge charger. He had took this car as payment for getting rid of a fith level Dyjnn that was making this guys life hell. The guy didn’t have any cash so Neo took his car.
He slid himself into the white leather drivers seat inserted his keys and started the car. The engine roared and then subsided into a purr. He backed out and drove onto the interstate and as he drove making his way toward Sebastopol he let his thoughts wonder to Melanie. Melanie was taken from him by a Shadow Dyjnn. Shadow Dyjnn were the highest level Dyjnn. What made him wonder why the Dyjnn took Melanie was the fact that Shadow Dyjnn only acted when they thought it was profitable to them some how or what ever they were doing was of the utmost importance to them.
Melanie and Neo could never be separated they found each other when they were kids on the streets. They stuck together and helped each other survive. No one knew were Melanie and Neo came from Who there parents were or anything else about them for that matter. All they knew was that they were dangerous and should stay away from them. When Melanie was taken away from him he vowed to find her and save her.
So Neo Survived as he always did breaking into houses and getting food and money. One day though he broke into the wrong house and a man caught him. The man showed kindness though and cared not that Neo was dangerous he took Neo in and raised him, fed him, clothed him, and trained him. It turns out that this man was a fallen angel Named Demitri. Demitri trained Neo how to fight, read, write, and other skills Neo may need to complete his quest to find Melanie. Neo took jobs now a days hoping to find some sort of clue that would help lead him to Melanie.
He took this Vampire job because he thought that more money may be a good idea to get. However the man who described the vampire to him stated that the vampire didn’t seem like a normal vampire, this vampire he said could walk through sunlight unharmed and turn into a werewolf some said.
That startled Neo Vamps couldn’t shape shift or walk in sunlight. So he took the case out of shear curiosity and of course hoped that the job would lead him to Melanie. He drove into Sebastopol and parked his car next to the post office. The post office of Sebastopol was a small grey building one story high. It had steps that lead up to its entrance.
A glass door that you had to pull to open. Neo wrapped his hands around a lever that was attached to his seat, pulled and leaned back in his chair a bit. He turned on the radio and Fake it by seether started to blare. He would relax for a while the vampire was said to hang around the post office at night and if it didn’t show up by ten o clock at night then he would go hunting for it, then he would find out what if this vampire was really a vampire.

I realize this is short but I have been up a long while and I will make chapter two much longer but it will only be like 3 pages.

Chapter two:: She lives:Chapter two: She Lives

Neo waited for hours in that car, reclining while maintaining a tense patience so as to react quickly to an ambush or surprise attack. The tracks that came from his stereo in countless waves helped the hours to flow by uneventfully.

Soon it was the witching hour, and only the full moon, hanging at it's post, illuminated the world. Besides Neo's stereo that crackled softly, the night was quiet and still, the air warm and layered. Such evenings had a nasty habit of lulling Neo into contemplation about Melanie. Visions of her smile flashed through his mind and he quickly shook them out, refusing to let his guard down.

Neo looked down at LED clock on his stereo. 1:00 AM, it seemed odd to Neo that the vampire had not yet appeared, these were perfect conditions for such a creature to conduct it's dark buisness.

5 or so minutes dragged by, the thought of how soft Melanie's hair was was creeping into the peripheral of his mind. Suddenly, a silhouette walked out of an alley to the right of the post office. Neo jolted up in his seat, coming to full attention and preparing himself for a fight. The shadowy figure advanced quickly towards the stake-out vehicle. Neo promptly got out and began running latin incantations through his head to ensure that he would have a counter-attack ready. The figure spoke

“Neo,” the voice was deep and reverberated even in the open space that separated he and Neo. “I know that is you. I am the one you were hired to find.” Neo recited a basic energy spell and held out his palm, a bolt of white light shot out at the figure. It was a direct hit. For a few moments, glowing white smoke swirled around the blast area. When it cleared, the figure had not budged.

“Do not try such primitive techniques on me Bellator, they will not work.” The figure announced. Neo quickly recited a few more incantations and a glowing blue serpent was coming from Neo's forhead, it curled slowly around his right forearm until it reached it's full length and was fully coiled. When it had completed Neo grabbed it's a few inches above it's head with his left hand and pulled, the snake body stiffened and flattened into a blade as it was pulled away.

Neo charged at the figure and took a swipe with the blade, the creature ducked quickly away and slammed a fist into Neo's back, the latter then crumpled into a heap, dropping his weapon which shattered on the ground, the unnatural glow fading slowly away as the pieces turned to soil.

Neo was writhing in extreme pain. The figure loomed over him and then pulled a sack over his head. Then pressed on Neo's jugular vein until the helpless victim was unconscious.

Neo awoke in a small room, the sack was no longer on his head and he was seated on a folding chair at a square table. He was inside of a small black room, a lone light bulb swung from the ceiling. Fear did not cross Neo's mind, he began running escape scenarios through his mind. Then, a pair of hands were placed over his eyes, they were soft. A pair of lips whispered hotly into his ear.

“I've been watching you Neo, it's no coincidence that you got that job. I know your abilities, you weaknesses, your strengths, all of your powers. In fact, it is most likely I know more about you than you do.” Neo had heard the voice before. But just sat and listened. “We're finally back together Neo. After all of these years. You can turn around now.” The hands withdrew and Neo turned around, what he saw a face, a face he would recognize anywhere, and as it registered, he could not wrap his mind around it.

It was Melanie. It was Melanie, it really was her. It was Melanie and Neo couldn't contain contain himself. He embraced her tightly burying his face in her hair, choking just a little bit, dry sobs of joy. Melanie placed her arms around him and pulled him tighter.

“Melanie, it's been so long, I thought I had lost you.”

“Neo, it's okay, I'm here now.” Neo pulled away from the hug and took a good hard look at her, she had changed.

Her long black hair was no longer tangled and mangy, but well brushed and it shone brightly. It had blue streaks running down it now, and Neo swore it smelled like strawberries. Her body had developed, in more ways than one. She had acquired the curves of womanhood, her heart shaped face and pointed ears were more pronounced than before. She was beautiful, the kind of woman that men could lose themselves in lust for.

For a moment, Neo mourned the old Melanie, the one he had played with as a child, the one that he had guarded and stood by through the hard times. But her tight purple shirt and tighter black jeans made it hard to process any thought.

“Seen enough?” She spoke up after about 3 minutes of his gawking. “Do you want me to do a twirl?” she said sarcastically, spinning in place once.

“Melanie, you grew up.”

“Yes Neo, I did. But we can catch up later, there is someone I need to introduce you to.” She then yelled at the door. “You can come in now!”
The figure who had assaulted Neo walked in and Neo immediately threw himself in front of Melanie.

“I won't let you take her!” Melanie sidestepped from behind him.

“Neo, calm down, he's a friend. It was necessary for him to bring you here by force so that it looked like a casualty on the job.” The figure walked into the full light, it was a very tall man, around 6'5” with tan skin and who wasn't wearing a shirt, his ripped abs and pecs gleaming in the light, a large black puft of hair on his chest and a mangy mop of black hair on his head.

“I apologize Neo Bellator.” The man bowed low. Neo was surprised, placing a Latin word at the end of someones name is considered honorable, although hardly practiced in modern day society, but it was especially intriguing that the man had chosen to use the Latin translation of warrior.

“I accept. You reunited me with Melanie, I am forever in your debt.” Neo bowed also. The two men stood up and faced each other, there was an awkward silence for a few moments, the only sound was that of Melanie playing with a bracelet on her wrist. A thought then crossed Neo's mind.

“I had heard that you were a vampire, or werewolf, or werevamp or something, so what are you really, i'm interested to know.” The mans eyes lit up as he heard the question.

“Ah, that is the thing about me Bellator. I am a Versipellis.” Neo's jaw dropped.

“You have to be kidding me! You are one of the Shape Shifters? I always thought they were killed off in their feuds with the Dragon's years ago!”
“Some of us survived, we are a hard race to kill.”

“I can see why, you took me down with such ease, I would never want to fight you again.” Melanie suddenly interjected.

“Well, if we are all done with chit chat.” She faced Neo, “I need to talk to you about that job.”

Here is the prolouge up to chapter two!

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